Swings and Misses
by an-alternate-world
Summary: What if Eddie and Buck's fight in the grocery store hadn't been interrupted by the roadrage in the parking lot so Eddie had taken a swing at Buck? And what if Eddie had missed because Buck's SEAL training kicked in?


**Title: **Swings and Misses  
**Author: **an-alternate-world  
**Rating:** PG  
**Characters/Pairing: **Evan Buckley & Eddie Diaz  
**Word Count:** 4,495  
**Summary:** What if Eddie and Buck's fight in the grocery store hadn't been interrupted by the roadrage in the parking lot so Eddie had taken a swing at Buck? And what if Eddie had missed because Buck's SEAL training kicked in?  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** Implications of violence but no actual contact. Uses the scene in 3x05 ('Rage') if you are unfamiliar/not up to date.  
**Disclaimer: **I am in no way associated with 911, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.

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_Based entirely on a prompt in the Buddie Discord._

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It was weird to be shopping with the crew but especially when he was picking meats with Lena, who knew about as much as Eddie when it came to determining what looked good enough to buy. Buck wasn't good at the _cooking_ of most foods but he _was_ a good decision-maker when choosing purchases. Eddie tended to think it was because Buck didn't second-guess himself once he'd set his mind on something.

"What do you mean, he's dropped the charges?" Lena said as she resumed the conversation from before they'd ordered.

He dropped the wrapped meat in the cart. "You make it sound like you're disappointed."

"Just surprised."

Eddie's eyes snapped towards her, an unease in his chest because of her tone, like somehow she expected him to get into trouble. Or perhaps she believed that he deserved it.

"Pleasantly," she said, eyebrows rising like it was an attempt at an apology.

He gave a jerky sort of nod because okay, he was perhaps too quick to judge her attitude. She was, after all, doing him a favour by suggesting a better outlet for his anger than bottling it up. He just wasn't exactly proud of attacking the guy in the parking lot, getting arrested, needing her to bail him out… If nothing else, it drove home how much he missed Buck. Buck was reckless and erratic and he made stupid decisions, sure, but he could imagine sitting on Buck's couch and drinking beers with him and talking about all the crap in his head so that he never needed to fight. Although there were still all his feelings about Shannon's death to consider-

He shook the thoughts out of his head and checked the recipe card that Bobby had supplied each pair with, determining they had already obtained everything requested. "Apparently that wasn't the guy's first illegal fight," he explained, pushing the cart through the store as he recalled what the detective had told him over the phone yesterday. "They uh, I guess weighed it against my service record-"

"Captain America wins a 'Get Out Of Jail Free' card?"

He bit back a sigh, feeling insecure at the best of times about how others perceived his time in the service. Shannon had always seen it as stain, an irredeemable blot because she'd seen him_ before_ and she'd seen him _after_ and she'd never been able to reconcile how much he'd changed and Eddie had never been able to explain the horrors to her. Shannon hadn't even been able to express anything positive about his Silver Star award. The medal was still stowed in the back of one of the drawers in his room. So Lena's attempt at a joke reminded him too much of Shannon and minimised the very real issues of being in the military that those who hadn't served could never understand. Civilians would never understand the very real terrors of being shelled at night for so many nights in a row you forgot what it was to rest. Civilians would never understand the shattering staccato of gunfire that was too close and suggested Death was at their doorstep. Civilians would never understand how the desert heat could burn your lungs, making it difficult to breathe while sweat dripped off the edge of your nose while you tried to cauterise the bleeding of-

"And anyway, that jackass' knee surgery was three years ago," he added as he turned the corner of an aisle, struggling with the weight of the memories that felt closer to the surface than usual now that he was fighting again, now that he was trying to get rid of all the toxic emotions they brought back to the surface that he could never show Christopher.

"But not letting it go because _that's_ healthy," Lena mused, swiping a packet from a niche in the counter and throwing it into the cart.

"Sometimes letting things go _isn't_ easy," he said, peering at the shelves as they strolled towards the meeting location in case something Cap might need restocking caught his eye. "It's not about being healthy or unhealthy, coping just…is."

Lena's silence was loud behind him and even without looking at her, he knew her eyebrows were raised in doubt or judgement.

"What? You're telling me you've never held onto something difficult?" he said, glancing over his shoulder at her.

"No. That just drags me down."

"You _literally_ said the first time we were at the fight circle-"

"That doesn't mean I'm holding onto my pain, Diaz," she said, her voice a little sharp and a little short and he frowned, wondering just how much of a hypocrite she was. Maybe she had just as many feelings locked inside her as he did. At least he _acknowledged_ the messy feelings were there. He just didn't talk about them. Once he spoke them into existence, there was no coming back from that.

He saw Bobby cross in front of him with his cart as Eddie turned to follow at the end of an aisle. Bobby slowed to a stop and Eddie had his mouth open to ask if everything was okay as he drew alongside to stare at-

Oh.

"What are you doing here?" Bobby said, sounding confused, which was in contrast to how Eddie balled his fists against the handle of the cart and pressed his lips together.

"Me? Uh… I'm just here to-" Buck looked wildly around the shelves beside him and Eddie knew he was searching for a lie because it was the same sort of flustered response Buck would give Christopher when he needed to make up an excuse for something, "-to do some shopping," he finished, grabbing a random green packet off the shelf.

"Eight miles from your apartment?" Chim said doubtfully.

"Yeah, well, this is the only place that has…" Buck checked the packet, the look on his face slipping. "Happy Cat Laxative Powder."

"You're buying cat laxative?"

Eddie watched Buck open his mouth to respond to Hen, staring at her like he was trying to determine how the hell to get himself out of the situation, and Eddie gritted his teeth together because he could feel the heat simmering in his veins starting to spark.

"Yeah, I've been thinking of uh- getting- getting a cat-"

It was utter bullshit because Eddie knew Buck was allergic to cats. He'd suggested a cat as a way to keep Buck company during the rehab. He wondered if anyone else at the station knew that detail or it was just him.

"And you're anticipating your new cat will be…irregular?" Chim said slowly, almost like he was actually starting to believe all this nonsense and evidently unaware of Buck's ability to break out in hives when he came into contact with cat hair.

"Uh…" Buck pressed his lips together, raised a finger to point at Chim as he tried to develop a new story, a new lie, a new- "Listen, I- I came here to apologise, okay?" Buck shoved the packet back on the shelf, apparently deciding to abandon the entire pretence in favour of the truth which was at least somewhat preferable to spewing more and more lies. "I never meant for things to go so out of hand with the lawsuit and- and everything-"

At the mention of the lawsuit, Eddie saw red. It was the only way he knew how to describe the snap that happened in his brain. It was the same fury that descended over his vision when he thought about Shannon for too long. In the span of a week, she went from being pregnant and seeming like she wanted to stay together, and then she wasn't pregnant and wanted a divorce, and then she was dead, and he was alone.

"Yeah?" he spat, his shoulders tensing. "And what did you _think_ was going to happen?"

He felt the way Bobby's eyes swept towards him but the heat in his veins was rapidly engulfing him, making it harder to keep his thoughts in coherent lines when he wanted to give in to the tinted emotions.

"The lawsuit was bad enough but you told your lawyer _everything_ about us? _Personal_ things?" he added, his hands squeezing his hands together on top of the cart in an effort to hold onto something that wasn't snapping Buck's neck. It was clear from the way that asshole lawyer had spoken in the deposition that he knew more than he was letting on, that he knew the places to poke and prod to inflict maximum harm. Eddie had done his best to maintain his composure during the interview but once he was done, once he was out… If he gritted his teeth together any harder while he stared at Buck, he thought some of his teeth would crack.

"You- You- You're supposed to be honest and truthful with your lawyer," Buck stuttered, his desire to explain faltering and all the angry voice in Eddie's head said to that was, _Good_. "Why are you so pissed at me?"

Like a ticking time bomb that had reached the end of its fuse, Eddie started to fracture apart.

"Because you're _exhausting_!" he said, barely refraining from shouting because he knew they were still in a grocery store and they were all in uniform. Their truck was outside. He didn't need this turning into a PR nightmare for the LAFD after he'd just been arrested a few days ago. He pointed at Buck, his control splintering. "We all have our own problems but you don't see us whining about it! No, somehow we just manage to suck it up!" He looked over Buck's body in distaste because, like he'd said to the guy when ripping him out of bed weeks ago, Christopher never let anything get to him and yet it was Buck who kept throwing a pity party. The kid lost his _mother_ and didn't mope as much as Buck. "Why can't you?"

"That's kinda harsh," Chim cut in, drawing Eddie's furious gaze for a split second and reminding Eddie that they had an audience. "It's not like the guy asked to be crushed by a ladder truck."

This wasn't even about being crushed by the ladder truck. This had never _been_ about the ladder truck. Eddie knew he hadn't done enough while Buck was struggling through the rehab for his leg but Buck had kept insisting it was fine, that he needed to be there for Christopher while they both grieved for Shannon. Most of summer had been a miserable mess for all of them. Then Buck's clot had attempted to kill him for the second time in as many months, and _then_ the tsunami happened, and there was so much fear about losing Chris when he was barely functioning after the loss of Shannon. Once the lawsuit had started, Eddie had started feeling like Buck was grasping at any excuse that he could to make himself feel worse, any method he could find to torture himself a little longer. Eddie didn't know what those reasons were but he was sick of them, sick of the way the lawsuit had ripped his best friend from his arms more effectively than three near-death experiences.

"No, but he filed a _stupid_ lawsuit and now I can't even talk to you because of it," he said bitterly, pinning Buck to his spot on the floor with his glare. "You know how much Christopher misses you?" he demanded, watching as Buck's eyes lowered and he shook his head slightly. Eddie could only hope he felt guilty, or ashamed, because that was nothing to how sick and tired Eddie was in his attempts to cover up Buck's absence from their lives because of some stupid lawyer. "No, how could you? You're not _around_."

Buck hesitated, eyes meeting Eddie's and laced with obvious uncertainty. "I- I didn't realise that. Maybe I could come visit Christopher? You know, the lawsuit doesn't prevent that."

Eddie could've hit Buck for not realising that this was so much more than just Christopher. This lawsuit wasn't just hurting his son, or Eddie. It was hurting all of them at the 118. He knew Chim was struggling with it because he was caught between Maddie and Buck, and he knew Hen felt awful because she just wanted to dote on and care for him, and he knew how Bobby practically saw Buck as his son. And Buck.. Buck was throwing all of that away and for _what_? He was betraying all of them to some snot of a lawyer and for _what_?

"No, it prevents me from reaching out to you," Eddie said, gaze narrowing. "I couldn't even call you to bail me out of jail!"

As soon as the words fled his lips, he realised he shouldn't have said it. It drew far too much attention to an issue he wasn't willing to admit to anyone, and he could feel the weight of everyone's questioning stares towards him. For a moment, he focused on Buck's head tilting, the confused squint of his eyes like he was trying to figure out what Eddie had meant by his words. He couldn't look at Buck for too long, terrified Buck would see straight through him like a pane of glass. So he looked around at the others, who wore similar expressions of confusion and concern.

He needed to backtrack.

_Fast_.

"If that was something that happened," he amended uneasily, praying Lena would keep her mouth shut behind him and that her face was neutral because if she said anything, if she even breathed a word that tipped any of the others off-

"What- What are you talking about?" Buck said, taking half a step towards him like he wanted to reach out and take Eddie's hand, like he wanted to seek an explanation because out of everyone in the team, Buck was the one who would see through all the bullshit and the lies and the excuses that Eddie kept surrounding himself in. Buck would know it was something more and he wouldn't let it go. But then his face shifted again, abandoning the opportunity to pursue Eddie down the rabbit hole of what was really going on in favour of returning to that _fucking_ lawsuit. "Look man, why- why can't you see my side of this?"

Eddie stepped closer, hands curled at his sides. "Because that's all you see!" he yelled as he stepped towards Buck, the fury burning in his eyes and across his shoulders and down his spine. "You don't consider that others might have their own stuff going on and your crap just isn't our priority!"

Buck's mouth opened, a flash of pain flickering across his expression. "I never wanted to be your priority, Eddie. I just wanted-"

"You just wanted our _attention_," he bit out, inches from Buck's face, toes curling inside his boots, and he knew it was an unfair accusation but he _missed_ Buck. He missed his smiles, and he missed his energy, and he missed his son being okay. So many times, Christopher woke up in tears with only Buck's name on his lips. So many times, Eddie had to explain to his son that they couldn't call Buck in the middle of the night.

"N-No, that's not-"

Eddie wasn't sure what Buck had intended to say after that because hearing all the denials, hearing all the doubt, hearing all the accusations in the deposition related to operational decisions that weren't even about him… It smacked into his lungs just how much he didn't _care_ what Buck wanted to say. He'd done enough listening. He'd exhausted his emotional reserves trying to dig Buck out of his hole. He'd done what he thought he could to be there for his friend before a lawsuit slammed a door in his face, and Christopher's, and severed their friendship.

And then Eddie had truly been left with _no one_ he could confide in.

It felt like an out-of-body experience took over him, and it reminded him of the battle where he'd won the Silver Star. All the noise around him had muted until there was just a high-pitched ringing in his ears. He could hear the erratic _thump…thumped thump…_ in his ears and he could feel the scratch of his shirt on his back and the weight of the radio belt across his chest. Everything seemed to fade and distort, losing saturation and warping at the edges of his vision, as his fist moved towards Buck as if in slow motion even though he didn't remember deciding to move. His wrist was locked, his elbow tight, and every bit of rage he'd felt lately, every hit he'd inflicted on some of the guys at the fight club he was going to with Lena, flooded him in an instant until he wasn't thinking anymore, just feeling and acting and reacting.

And then in the blink of an eye, his fist was flying past the trajectory of Buck's head when the other man ducked out of the way. His arm slid past Buck's ear, elbow bumping against Buck's shoulder as the man's arm curled around his throat. It threw him off balance and he flailed in irritation and surprise, even as the arm around his throat cinching some of the air out of his lungs. He didn't realise Buck would still have so much strength in his muscles after months off the job.

He felt Buck's other arm across the back of his shoulders, ensuring he had nowhere to go because there was no way out of this hold once both arms were locked. It jolted his awareness to the dangers of this position, of the ability to end up passed out on the floor if Buck held on too long, and even though it was dangerous, even though he'd come at Buck first, there was also an element that Buck could be dangerous and Buck could restrain him and that was…kind of really, really hot.

And _then _it hit him like a bolt of lightning what he'd done, or what he'd tried to do.

_He'd tried to hit his best friend_.

He wilted, any lingering fight extinguished like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over his head.

"I- I'm s-sorry," he croaked against Buck's hold, shocked and afraid because he didn't know Buck even knew how to fight or subdue an attack. He'd put Buck in the box of bumbling puppy who needed protecting from his own impulsiveness. And this was… He didn't know Buck could _do _this. He didn't know where Buck had learned how to do this. It horrified him and disappointed him that there was still _so much_ he didn't know about his best friend and he hated himself for that.

"I am too," Buck murmured against ear, the warmth of his breath sending a chill down Eddie's spine. Buck's arms released their hold but only insofar as allowing Buck to grasp his upper arms, keeping him close and gazing into his eyes. "I _never_ wanted this, Eddie. I didn't want Christopher to think I didn't care. I didn't want _you_ to think I didn't care. I just- I just wanted to come back to _work_ again."

And it was the same version of the story he'd heard so many times before but he was still rattled with how quickly Buck had deflated the rage balloon and still recovering from feeling like it would be so easy to be choked out by Buck which wasn't as terrifying as it should've been. He wasn't sure exactly why he wrapped his arms around Buck's shoulders to hug him when a minute ago, he'd been trying to punch him, but he _missed_ Buck. He _missed_ his best friend.

Buck's arms curved around his waist, hands pressing against the wings of his shoulder blades, and everything he'd been holding onto since this lawsuit debacle – all the hurt and the rage and the pain, all the fear and the loneliness and the misery – began to unravel. The smarmy bastard had poked at spots related to Shannon that had flared to life and he'd kept trying to shove it down but now, now that he had Buck in front of him again… He barely held back a sob as he folded into Buck's embrace, hiding his face against the junction of Buck's shoulder and neck as tears prickled painful spots in his eyes.

"So… I didn't know they were actually together," Lena observed and somewhere through the haze, Eddie heard Chim's startled laugh. "That puts things in a whole different light."

"Thing is though, they're not," Chim retorted.

"I don't even know if _they_ know they're together," Hen mused.

Eddie could feel the way Buck's shoulders trembled and the shallow half-breaths of inhales and as angry as Eddie had felt towards him for the past few weeks, he couldn't deny the need to comfort Buck when he was clearly struggling to hold it together.

"Hey," he mumbled, adjusting his arms until he could secure one of his hands against the back of Buck's neck. "I got you, okay? I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have-"

"If it wasn't for the _stupid_ lawsuit-"

"I know," he said, rubbing his thumb against Buck's skin and squeezing. "I know. Chris misses you, we both do. You need to drop all of this and realise how much we all love you."

Buck sniffed, fingers clenching into the back of Eddie's shirt. "I miss working with you."

Eddie wasn't sure if Buck meant him specifically or the 118 as a whole. Maybe it didn't matter. He'd dismissed Buck's feelings for too long, tired of him moping about his leg and then he'd been cleared but had the clot and disappeared off the grid for a week. He should have cared more then. He should have shown more empathy for the guy that was his best friend and who was clearly suffering, pushing himself too hard and too fast because he felt lonely and lost. And _certainly_ after the tsunami, when Eddie witnessed how much Chris was struggling with his nightmares or his aversion to having baths, he should have reached out to Buck to see how he was coping in the aftermath of the disaster. Not just dumped his kid on Buck for the free babysitting like that would somehow fix the issues.

"I know, and you'll be back with us soon," Eddie assured, knowing that it wasn't his decision to make but feeling like he needed to offer something, _anything_, that would dispel some of the anguish in Buck's voice and the vibration of his limbs.

Behind him, he heard Bobby clear his throat.

And then clear it again when they didn't make any attempt to move.

"Boys, we _are_ in a supermarket," Bobby said, somewhere between stern and amused.

Right. Public place. Eddie was still on the job. They'd come here to do shopping. He'd tried to hit Buck in uniform.

Eddie forced himself to relax his grip, fingers sliding against Buck's jaw to tilt his head up and rubbing a thumb against some of the tears that stained Buck's cheek. "You should come over," Eddie said, gazing into the puffy eyes of someone he was starting to realise was feeling a deep amount of pain that he'd shut out and ignored more effectively and more cruelly than he should. "You tell me the when and I'll make sure Chris is with me and not Abuela or Pepa, alright? You two can hang out for a while."

Buck opened his mouth, then closed it to bite his lip.

"What?" he prompted, gaze searching Buck's because he knew how quickly and easily the other guy could shut his words off when he got embarrassed or unsure.

"I- I'd rather the three of us could hang out for a while," Buck admitted, his words slightly strangled and his eyes doing a rapid zig-zag down to the floor, and Eddie had to bite the inside of his cheek so he didn't smile.

"We can do that too," Eddie assured, before Bobby cleared his throat again and Eddie became aware of how he was still holding Buck's cheek and, well, that was…embarrassing.

"So we're going to get this all checked out and then head back to the station," Bobby said, drawing Eddie's eyes away from Buck and towards his Captain as his fingers slipped off Buck's skin. "Buck, do you want to join us for lunch?"

Eddie could feel the way Buck's body shifted with surprise and heard the almost inaudible intake of breath. It took a lot of Eddie's willpower not to shut his eyes and drop his head because _how long_ had he been holding onto his anger while Buck was drowning in his despair? How long had he been dismissive about the depths of Buck's trauma like he somehow couldn't be just as shattered as Chris by what had happened?

He needed to revoke his friendship privileges until he'd earned them again.

"I- Are you sure, Cap?"

"We'll see you back at the 118," Bobby said, confident and calm as he gestured at the others to move their carts towards the checkout.

"Hey Buck, don't forget your laxative!" Chim called over his shoulder with a devilish grin as he unloaded his cart. Beside him, Buck flushed and Eddie attempted to cover his laugh with a cough.

"See you soon?" Eddie said, wanting to reach out and squeeze Buck's shoulder or his hand and at the same time, needing to keep his hands to himself before he embarrassed himself further in the middle of the checkout area of the grocery store.

"I guess so," Buck said with his head bowed, a shy smile twitching the edge of his lips, as Eddie moved towards the checkouts.

The team worked efficiently to clear the items, carrying the bags of groceries back to the truck and loading them into the centre of the rig.

They'd strapped themselves in for the journey back to the station before Eddie realised how quiet everyone was.

"So," Chim said once the truck was rolling out of the carpark, his voice crackling over the headset, "you and Buck, huh?"

Eddie frowned, looking from Chim, to Hen, to Lena, and then Bobby in the front seat. They were all staring at him expectantly. "Me and Buck _what_?"

Chim shook his head while Hen rolled her eyes, both of them groaning and slumping in their seats and crossing their arms over their chests.

Eddie's frown deepened, looking at Lena as she attempted to cover a smile with her hands. "Me and Buck _what_?" he insisted, and she just shook her head and shrugged, eyebrows rising in a futile attempt to look innocent of whatever joke was being made at his expense.

He _really_ didn't understand why his crew was so weird sometimes or why Buck was so desperate to get back to working with them.

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_**~FIN~**_


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